


Confessions and Struggles

by Luna_Corvid



Series: The Life and Dramas of Cliff & John [1]
Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Complete, Crushes, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations?, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I hate how sappy this turned out ugh, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, My First Fanfic, Probably ooc, Romance, Sappy, Self-Esteem Issues, Slight Drama, Tears, possible formatting issues, so much crying, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21577147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Corvid/pseuds/Luna_Corvid
Summary: John is having doubts about his usefulness in his U.S Special Forces squad & to top all that off he's finding it harder than ever to keep his love for his squad Captain a secret. One night will force him to face both of these issues head-on.
Relationships: Die-Hardman/Clifford Unger
Series: The Life and Dramas of Cliff & John [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1555027
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	1. Worries and Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction although I've been thinking of ideas for years now. I'm pretty sure all the characters are OOC af and the writing is atrocious due to the game giving me more feels for these characters than I'd anticipated.  
> So have fun crawling through this mess.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some previous formatting trouble. Does it look fine to you guys?

John had always felt somewhat indebted to his Captain.

The number of times Captain Clifford Unger had saved not just his life, but the lives of the rest of their squad were more or less countless at this point. His unwavering bravery blessed them all with the inspiration to carry on doing their absolute best to protect each other and carry out their missions to completion. Although it seemed not to bother the rest of the troop, who were conversing cheerily about another successful mission around the base’s pleasantly warm campfire, John couldn’t help but feel more and more inadequate every time his Captain had to swoop in to save his sorry ass after he yet again let his ego and cockiness get the best of his judgement. After he _yet again_ failed to be vigilant enough to spot an enemy hidden in the bushes or behind a rock or in a tree-like he was trained to because he thought he didn’t need to worry. Surely no one could get the best of John Blake McClane!

_Yeah right… At this point my track record is downright embarrassing…_

He sat a far away from the rest of the group, in the edge of a nearby forest surrounded by thick bushes and tall, spiky trees with nothing but his self-deprecating thoughts; he didn’t feel like he deserved to sit with them.

Out of everyone he fought with he was by far the one that Cliff had to rescue the most. He was supposed to be the most experienced among them besides their Captain for Christ’s sake! This was pathetic!

 _He_ was pathetic.

He wearily let out a shaky sigh while placing his head in his hands, calloused by years of handling heavy artillery.

There were times – times when he was feeling low – that he seriously considered leaving. Handing in his resignation so to speak or maybe even just running away… But when his head finally cleared, he knew he couldn’t do so. He owed his troupe – he owed his _Captain_ so much due to his numerous failures – even though, in truth, he knew he was nothing more than a burden to them all.

John couldn’t fathom how Cliff still hadn’t kicked him out, sent him back home with a pat on the back and a “You tried” on his lips.

And speaking of his lips…

No. John tried not to think about those kinds of things. Focusing on winning this war was to be at the foremost of his mind at all times. But he couldn’t help it. He could try to deny it all wanted but he had come to terms a while ago that he was without doubt harbouring feelings towards his Captain. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint when it had started. Maybe he’d always felt that way but had been too distracted by the war they fighting to notice until his feelings had grown too strong for him to ignore anymore. It was Cliff’s personality that reeled him in first he knew _that_ much; his calm and friendly demeanour, the fact he only ever raised his voice to yell orders in the heat of battle, his almost father-like attitude to helping any of the men and women under his command: he was always there to comfort anyone in need if they felt everything was getting on top of them and they needed someone to talk to.

Yeah. It was definitely his personality that got him first.

Not that Cliff wasn’t good looking; John was pretty sure he was the best-looking man he’d ever seen in his life! His hair always looked soft and well washed (even if they hadn’t been able to wash or bathe in days), his face was one that was kind albeit with a rarely shown aggression hidden under the surface and his benevolent smile was enough to instantly put anyone at ease. Unless you counted John’s heart for which Cliff’s smile always had the complete opposite effect.

Well whatever the reason… He knew for sure that he was well and truly fucked.

Not only was he a monumental failure of a soldier who was somehow still allowed to fight on the front lines, but somewhere along the line, he had developed an unwavering crush on his damn Captain. That sure wouldn’t end up with everyone somehow finding out and Cliff being disgusted with him. Nope. No way.

He let out a heavy sigh as his hands dragged down his face.

_Fuck him._

God-fucking-dammit…

“Don’t feel like socialising tonight?”

John would deny this fervently in future but he _did_ let out a short scream and flinch so hard that he almost fell off the log he had been sitting on.

Cliff looked down at John with a slight smirk on his lips, as though he knew something John didn’t and John quickly tried to right himself, to get his mind to a point where it would stop his mouth from doing a goldfish impression.

It didn’t work.

His Captain lightly smiled in a way that set John’s heart racing and made a hopefully unnoticeable blush rise to his cheeks.

“Taking some time for yourself huh? Can’t say I blame you.” He commented as he shuffled a little closer, almost timidly and gestured with an open hand to the open space next to John on the log. “May I sit?” he gently asked.

This seemed to snap John out of his lovelorn shock “Oh! Uh-uh… Yes! I-I mean… Uhm… Y-Yes Sir Yes Captain!” and he immediately stuttered.

 _Oh God why am I like this… So useless._ Thought the flustered soldier.

Cliff’s only response was to slightly widen his smile as he slowly sat next to his best friend.

They sat in silence for what felt like hours; Cliff seeming unfazed by John’s poorly hidden nervousness while he gazed into the clear night sky. Meanwhile, John genuinely felt like his face was going to explode with the amount of heat he felt on it. If it wasn’t the colour of a cherry already, he would be very surprised.

“I bet you’re thinking about something deep. Something important maybe?” His Captain suddenly asked.

Startled yet again, John didn’t reply at first. Instead, he ended up doing his best goldfish impression again and his nervous, wide eyes began darting around as if an appropriate answer would make itself known from somewhere in the dark forest. However, his love interest seemed to sense his unreadiness to speak (or likely the more obvious fact that he looked like a terrified human-goldfish) and spoke up again.

“Whenever I’m in a sad mood and I’m thinking of something very significant to me or that may put me in a dark place, I always take some time to myself – away from everyone else – in a place like this.” He turned to John, understanding clear in his eyes as he spoke next. “Care to speak your mind? You have my permission to speak freely. Of course, you don’t have to if you’re not feeling up to it and I can just leave you to your thoughts if you want” He softly clasped his hands together and looked down on them with a solemn sigh. “I know I must be bothering you, I’m sorry. I just worry when anyone close to me seems down in any way. I know more than any of you how much war can take its toll on a person; how it can desecrate their mental state and reduce it to nothing.” Cliff raised a hand and placed it upon John’s shoulder like a father comforting his child. “So, if you have anything serious rattling around in that smart brain of yours, and if you feel up to it, I want you to know there won’t be any judgement if you tell me about it. Okay?”

 _Smart?_ Thought John. _Hardly._

Usually in these situations, John would give fake a smile and tell Cliff he was okay and not to worry; but his Captain’s understanding tone overwhelmed him. It was so empty of judgement. So full of pure kindness; it made him feel like he needed to tell him everything on his mind at that moment.

And maybe he did.

Not just because he felt swamped in thoughts that were mentally beating him to a pulp so much that he honestly wasn’t sure if he could take anymore, but also because of other thoughts that were leaving him in a dazed state: his undying love for his own Captain. The fact that this was such a perfect moment to spill all his secrets, it all seemed way too good to be true.

Welp, time to be a coward and get the easier shit out of the way first.

“Actually Captain-” Cliff suddenly interrupted. “Cliff.” John’s brain was expecting himself to deliver a long drawn out confession, so the fact he’d been interrupted before he’d even really started caused his brain to temporarily shunt to a sudden stop. “W-what?” Was all he could say. Clifford just continued to show off his warm, friendly smile as he looked with patience at his friend. “We’ve been best friends for 12 years now, John. You should know by now that you’ve earned my trust enough to call me by my name.” “Oh erm… Okay then.” John took a breath and steeled himself. “In all honesty… Cliff… I’ve not been doing so well.” He confessed. “In what way?” Cliff asked quizzically. “In the… uh… thinking I’m a complete burden to you all kind of way…”

John face turned into an expression of confusion. “Why would you ever think you were a burden to anyone here?”

_He genuinely doesn’t know? Or is he just sugar-coating it to try and be nice?_

“All I ever do is fail Ca-Cliff. You’ve had to save me so many times when I’ve failed to complete a mission to the best of my ability due to my stupid ego. Where you have had to risk your hide to save my dumb ass. You could have been killed so many times! And it would all have been because of me… Because I failed to do what I’m supposed to be goddamed trained for. I’m not fit enough to be a soldier. I’m not even fit enough to be your friend.” John lowered his head in an expression of heavy shame. “All I ever do is fail… That’s what I’m thinking about. How all I am is a burden compared to the rest of you. An utter failure as a soldier, as a friend and as a human being.” By the end of his rant, John’s voice was slightly hoarse.

And his admission was followed by nothing but silence.

 _This is it._ John thought. _This is the part where he realises, I’m right. When he throws me out and tells me how disappointed in me, he is. Dishonourable discharge here I come…_

To his surprise, a rough hand gently pressed its fingers underneath his chin while another wiped away the tears, he had only just noticed were falling down his face. When the hand slowly pushed his face upwards, he also noticed that not only did the hand belong to Cliff, but Cliff himself was kneeling before him with tears in his eyes and a look of anguish on his face.

 _Wait. What’s going on? This isn’t what’s supposed to happen. Why is_ he _crying?_

“John…” Cliff’s voice was shaky and was one of undeniable sorrow. “I had no idea you felt like this.” He sniffed and his hand that was previously wiping away tears came to rest on John’s cheek. “John. I am telling you now that you are anything _but_ a failure and a burden. I have never thought of you as doing anything less than your best in the field. Those times that you were ambushed and targeted by the enemy were _not_ your fault, they were incredibly well camouflaged. So much so that _none_ of us noticed them. I only wish I had been there sooner to prevent it from happening at all.” The Captain’s hands moved from John’s face to his forearms. “And you’re forgetting about all the times you’ve had to save _my_ “dumb ass”, huh? John, I’m alive right now because of you! Because of all the times _you’ve_ saved _me_!” The grips from Cliff’s hands-on John’s forearms tightened and a few tears dripped from his now slightly red eyes. “You have failed at _nothing_ , John. Not as a soldier or has a human being. And certainly not as my friend!” Confirmed Cliff, his voice raised in a commanding but no less emotional tone.

At this point, the emotional turmoil had become too much and both friends were now openly weeping from the realisation of the mental turmoil the other truly felt. And wondering how they hadn’t realised it sooner.

Once they had both calmed down somewhat, Cliff looked up to John and smiled.

“I believe a hug is called for, don’t you?” He asked.

John could only nod before the two emotionally embraced; each gripping onto the other and each resting their heads on the opposing man’s shoulder.

The two men had hugged many times before, but this was something else entirely. Past hugs had been short with pats on the back, congratulating each other for a job well done. This was one of unhidden emotions. This was one that made both men’s hearts beat at a rapid pace and caused their cheeks to be dusted with a light shade of pink. This was much more – _meant_ much more – to both of them than anything they’d ever shared had before; and they welcomed it with open arms.

They stayed in that embrace for a good while, it felt like forever. John wished it was. He would gladly stay like this with Cliff till the end of time if he could. Safe and happy with the man he loved more than anyone. But like all good things, it eventually came to an end when Cliff withdrew himself from his friend and sat down again in the same place on the log he had before while rubbing at his now red-rimmed eyes. Seeing his Captain look that way broke John’s heart, almost causing his to start crying again.

John had to admit, he did feel a hell of a lot better after that huge outburst of emotion. His chest felt lighter where a well of heavy darkness had settled before. He felt happier than he had in months! Unfortunately, there was still the agonising thoughts gnawing at his mind of his love for Cliff. He knew, with how strong his emotions about that certain subject were, that it was only a short matter of time until he admitted how he felt anyway. And this time and place – private, away from everyone else who was busy talking amongst themselves – was more than perfect for such a serious admission. Besides, after his prior declaration, he was still on an adrenaline high. He felt like he could bare his entire conscience to Cliff then and there, sweep him up in his arms and kiss him breathless! But as he did before, Cliff gathered his courage and spoke up first.

“I know you probably think I’m some sort of-” He went silent again, his body language indicating that he was looking for the right words to say. “-invincible super-soldier.” He snickered before his face fell into one of deep concentration again.

“But the truth is, whether you believe it or not, I’m just the same as you, John. I struggle with nightmares of this war, nightmares where you all lie dead before me because I failed to protect you. I worry that I’m not good enough to lead you. That one day I’ll make a terrible mistake and all of you will pay the price."

A shock of outrage crackled through John’s form. “But Sir that’s ridicu-”

“It’s the truth, John!” Cliff raised his voice before settling down again. “I get scared. I get _terrified_ just like the rest of you. And the thoughts that scare me the most…” He turned to face his best friend. “Are the ones where I feel I’m failing _you_.”

John was shocked. Why should he matter to the Captain more than anyone else in their unit?

Cliff’s demeanour became nervous: he began to wring his hands together and he sighed as if the world was on his soldiers.

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you.” He stated.

John immediately started to internally panic again. Oh God, he is going to kick me out! Was Cliff just letting him down slowly this entire time?

“There is… Something I should have admitted a while ago to you. The only reason I haven’t said anything until now is that I was afraid you would hate me. Although tonight’s events have made me wonder…”

_Brace yourself John. Here it comes…_

The Captain’s nervous behaviour seemed to multiply and his breathing became heavier as a thin sheen of sweat appeared on his forehead.

“I think I’ve fallen for you, John.”

John’s eyes almost bulged right out of his skull. His mind had officially gone completely blank. Did he really just say that? This has got to be a joke, right? There’s no way he could feel the same! His heartfelt like it was about to burst out of his chest it was beating so hard and the previously light blush on his cheeks became a lot more noticeable.

“I’m guessing by your face that you can’t quite believe it. I apologise if my feelings make you uncomfortable.” He braced his hands on the log to stand up. “Don’t worry I won’t act upon them; I’ll switch our night watch schedules if you don’t want to be paired with me anymore.” And he got up and began to leave.

John felt like he just wanted to sit there in shock once again in disbelief that what just occurred actually happened. But Cliff, the man who he’d been pining after for so long, had just confirmed that his feelings were mutual and reciprocated! As his thoughts were swirling around his head almost too fast for him to catch, he realised that John was getting further and further away. He knew if he didn’t act now it would all be over.

He hurriedly got up from the log and with a speed he didn’t know until now he had in him, he bolted after Cliff just as he was about to reach the clearing, they’d set up camp in. Once John had reached him, he put his hand on Cliff’s shoulder and forced him to turn around then engulfed him in an affection filled hold. He heard his Captain let out a soft gasp as he was unexpectedly held. But soon he relaxed and buried his head in John’s neck.

“Is this supposed to mean what I think it means?” Clifford asked, his voice filled with awe. “If you want it to.” John replied.

Cliff nuzzled John’s neck and let out a laugh full of relief.

“Thank you, John.” He laughed with a wide grin on his face.

_BOOM_

The explosive roar of thunder echoed all around them, causing Cliff to flinch, followed by multiple sudden lightning strikes and an immediate heavy downpour of rain.

“I fucking hate thunderstorms.” Muttered Cliff. He pulled out of their hug and grabbed John’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “Come on John, let’s get out of here!” He had to shout due to the overwhelming sound of rain around them. “We can shelter in my tent!” They burst out of the forest into the clearing, Cliff leading the way, and after dodging past the rest of their comrades who were also scrambling for shelter, they eventually found their way into Cliff’s tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like it, let me know what you think.  
> This ship makes me cry.


	2. Worries and Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strengthening bonds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be a formatting issue where there are extra gaps between lines. Let me know if you guys notice anything.

The tent was certainly fit for a Captain as brilliant of Clifford Unger: the tent itself covered a large amount of ground and was covered in a waterproof tarp, a little further ahead and to the right of them was a medium-sized comfortable looking mattress as a bed with a thick blanket covering it, the middle of the tent was taken up by a fancy-looking wooden desk and chair with papers full of strategic plans set in neat piles all over it, there was a small, old-looking bookshelf to the left of them with numerous thick looking books contained within that were lightly coated with a thin film of dust and there was a large lantern hanging above the mattress that cast a light golden glow across the space.

Both of them were shivering once they entered inside the tent and Cliff turned to John and laughed. “We’re soaked through.” He said. “You don’t say.” Replied John as he looked down in joy upon their still interlocked hands.

 _I can’t believe this is really happening!_ He thought giddily.

His happiness must have shown on his face because Cliff squeezed their hands and said “We’ll focus on this later yeah? For now, we should get dry. C’mon. I’ve got some towels we can use; you should take off gear so you can wipe down.” He walked to the back of the tent and picked up two large towels and threw one for John to catch.

John caught the towel in one hand and began to take off his army jacket and vest. Once he’d placed them on the ground beside him, he looked back up to find Cliff, who was now also shirtless. John immediately felt his face grow hot and asked: “Oh, do you need something, Captain?” Cliff smiled and replied, “May I do the honours?” “What?” “May I dry you off? We are – uh – boyfriends? Partners now? Whatever you want to call it. It feels natural to help you out in more – intimate situations. Unless you don’t feel comfortable of course.”

John felt like his face was on fire.

Buuuut he couldn’t deny that the idea of his boyfriend ( _My boyfriend!_ ) cleaning the freezing rain from his body with the soft towel while shirtless himself was pretty hot, not to mention just a kind thing to do which made him love his Captain even more.

“Only if I get to return to favour.” He suggested. “Of course.” Cliff smiled.

They both got the work gently drying each other with the towels, being careful not to be too rough on the other man’s skin. It was a very intimate moment for both of them. An intimate moment they were both aware of. Being close to each other in this way, it was something each man had been pinning for, for a long time. And when they were done, they couldn’t control the toothy smiles of uncontrolled delight on their faces.

Cliff quickly wrapped his towel around itself and used it to wrap around the back of his boyfriend’s neck and pull him closer. “You deserve to know that I’ve wanted you ever since you first saved my life, John. You remember?” John thought back to their first missions with their unit, at first struggling to remember exactly what Clifford was referring to. “Oh wait, you mean when we were infiltrating that enemy camp for stolen supplies back in Iraq?” “Exactly.” The Captain confirmed. “We were ambushed and surrounded by enemy soldiers. And just before the rest of our squad got there, when we were sure we were about the get took and shot-” “I stood in front of you and yelled at them to just take me and let you go. Then I got shot in the arm for my efforts.” Cliff nodded in agreement before replying. “No one else has ever done that for me. It was an amazing feat of bravery that captured my heart.” He raised a hand to delicately cup John’s face. “It made me realise that I had much more than just silly schoolboy feelings for you.” He stepped a little closer to his lover so he was positioned right in front of his face. “And they’ve been growing for you ever since…” Then he slowly leaned in while his other hand dropped the towel the hold the other side of John’s face.

It was there, surrounded by rain in Cliff’s tent, that they shared their first kiss.

John thought it was beautiful. Clifford’s lips felt incredibly soft, just like he’d imagined them to be; not that he would ever admit it to him. It induced a feeling of incredible love in him, he didn’t think he could love Cliff even more at that moment and he was captivated. His arms, previously limp by his side, snaked around Cliff’s shoulders and pulled them even closer together so their now dry bodies were touching.

They kissed like that, closed lips on closed lips, for a few minutes until the situation began to get a little more heated. Cliff opened his mouth and took John’s bottom lip between his, slightly tugging on it until he eventually let go as his hands wandered further down John’s back inducing a light shiver in his boyfriend.

The Captain positioned his mouth next to John’s ear and asked “You feel like going further? Or would you prefer to stop here?”

It was an odd sensation, John felt like his body was on fire yet he was shivering a little from the lust he felt for Cliff. Admittedly, he wanted nothing more than to take things to the next level but the mental fatigue from the day’s events was getting to him and he was becoming increasingly tired. In all honesty, he just really wanted to go to sleep.

The fact that he was a virgin was also a motive for not going any further. He felt embarrassed about it but the idea of sex had always freaked him out a little; it seemed like a huge commitment to him and for that reason, his first time wasn’t something he wanted to waste on any one-night fling. He wanted it to matter. To be with someone he was sure was the only one for him.

But to have to admit to his new boyfriend of all people that he’d never had sex before? He wasn’t sure he would ever be up to admitting something he considered so embarrassing. Cliff would surely pity him and he didn’t want that. Besides, Cliff being as handsome as he was, there was no way he’d have zero experience in that field.

“My apologies Clifford. But I’m beginning to tire, I’d rather just sleep for now…”

The man in question pulled away slightly, his arms still holding John’s back. “Of course. I’m glad you told the truth; if you hadn’t said anything, I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself from continuing further.” John was shocked. “You want me that bad huh?” he asked. “Only if you give me your permission.” Cliff answered with a cheeky smirk and a playful wink that melted John’s heart.

“So, how about we clean the rest of ourselves off.” He gestured to their legs that were still soaked.

“Sure.” Said John. They picked up their towels and got to work cleaning themselves up.

 _I never thought when I woke up this morning, that I’d end up making out shirtless with the Captain!_ He chuckled to himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by said Captain.

“You want any spare clothes? I have some if you do and I think we’re around the same size in them.” John was about to say no until he remembered that he obviously didn’t have any of _his_ spare clothes in his _Captain’s_ tent.

“Thank you, Clifford. That would be very kind of you.”

Clifford smiled and preceded to hand John some spare clothes consisting of a clean white vest, black trousers and a pair of black woollen socks which John promptly put on while Cliff put on a black shirt and grey trousers. “And please, just call me Cliff from now on. I’ve always hated my full name.” “How come?” John asked. “I think it’s nice.” Cliff chuckled darkly with no real happiness in his expression. "It reminds me of my father. He always seemed to find some reason to be annoyed with me and every time he'd yell at me, he'd always use my full name. I don't think I ever made him truly proud of me... The whole reason I even joined the army in the first place was to make him think I was worth something." John was about to reply when-

_BANG_

Another clash of thunder and lightning struck the surrounding area causing Cliff to jolt hard in John’s arms. He suddenly looked rather sheepish and trundled forward a little towards John. “You… Wouldn’t mind joining me on my mattress tonight? I don’t sleep well during thunderstorms…” Cliff quietly uttered. John immediately felt a great deal of sympathy for his lover. It couldn’t have been easy for someone like the Captain to admit: he was someone who had to constantly put on a front of bravery for his troops, so this must have been pretty difficult for him to admit, even to someone he had a great amount of trust in.

His mind brought up memories of all the times they’d been trapped in thunderstorms before, and how every time any of them got scared, they would always look to Cliff for support and a shoulder to cry on.

 _To think that all that time he just as terrified, if not more, than the rest of us._ Contemplated John.

“Certainly Clifford. Anything for you.” He smiled.

Cliff let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you for your kindness.” He said. “Now…” He let go of John and held out an inviting hand. “Join me?”

John gladly took his hand and got under the blanket next to Cliff. With two warm bodies taking up the space John was immediately comforted by the toasty warmth he felt while next to the other man.

“If it’s any consolation for how your father treated you… I do not doubt that everyone under your leadership, including me, are exceedingly proud of everything you have achieved with us.” Said John. Cliff smiled and manoeuvred himself closer to John and John realised he had tears in his eyes. “That means more to me than you could imagine John.” He choked out. “Oh, Cliff…” Without hesitation, John wrapped his arms around his partner and hugged him close to his chest where Cliff sighed with comfort as their legs tangled with one another’s.

“Yes, I like that term…” Cliff said under his breath but just loud enough for John to hear. “What?” John asked. “Oh. You heard.” Said Cliff shyly. “I was thinking of the term ‘boyfriend’ that you mentioned earlier. For us. I like it. It gives me a lovely warm feeling. It made me realise that-” He lifted his head to look into John’s eyes. “I love you so much, John. And I’m more than happy to call you my first and last boyfriend.”

“You mean you’ve never had a partner before?” “Nope.” John was genuinely taken aback. “I’ll be honest, I was sure you’d have been inundated with people vying for your attention by now.” Cliff paused with a thoughtful expression. “Well, I have been asked out a few times in the past but it’s always been my women and – well – they’re not really my preference… And even though I know I can trust all of my soldiers, I’ve always been a little paranoid due to my father that if I came out to them, some of them may not respect me anymore.”

John began gently stroking Cliff’s back to comfort him. “If any of them did, I would never let them hurt you. Not that I don’t think you could handle them on your own of course.” “We’d kick their ass.” Cliff laughed which caused John to chuckle too and eventually morphed into full-blown belly laughs at the thought. After they had both calmed down, Cliff spoke up again but with a much more sombre tone. “My father never agreed with my sexuality. I planned to hide it from him for as long as I could, but one day I got careless and left my diary out in my bedroom where I had recently written about my discovery. He beat me so badly that I had to skip school for two months before I could walk without limping and having constant pains in my ribs. It’s also another reason I joined the army; to prove to him that just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I can’t be tough.” He sighed again. “Sorry for rambling. I guess I’ve been waiting to release all that for a long time.”

John, still moving his hands up and down Cliff’s back, felt a huge pang of sympathy for the man.

What kind of father would willingly do that to his son?!

“It’s okay. It’s good to let things out like that. Keeping it in will only do more damage, that much I know. But I promise that as long as you’re with me, I’ll never let him hurt you again.” Cliff looked thankful and responded “Thanks. I’m not scared of much, but my father… He was a horrendous man. Some of the things he did will haunt me forever. Having someone who I finally feel I can comfortably share all this with, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest.” Then he leaned in a softly and placed a gentle kiss on John’s forehead. John smiled with absolute glee and kissed Cliff back on his nose before turning from his side to his back and pulling his boyfriend until he was resting his head on John’s chest. He then threw one arm over Cliff’s back, lightly gripped his shoulder and nuzzled his hair with his nose. “I’ll always be here for you Cliff. I-I love you.” He nervously confessed. “Same here, John. I love you too.” Cliff replied as he wrapped an arm around John’s chest, his hand resting near his collar bone. “Goodnight, my Dear.” He said with a knowing smile and closed his eyes to finally sleep.

 _My Dear huh?_ John thought with a loving grin. He closed his eyes.

_I could definitely get used to this._

-

John was awoken from a pleasant dream by a sudden terror-filled scream that seemed to echo around the tent. In his panic, he jumped up and whipped his head around to the source of said noise – and discovered crouched Cliff in the corner of the room rapidly shaking with a look of abject fear that John would never have imagined that he would see on his Captain’s face. He further noticed that John had his arms in a position that implied he was holding his favoured assault rifle.

_Wait. Is there someone in there with them?_

He turned on the lantern letting its warm glow flood the room found-

No one. There was no one there. It was just him and Cliff.

But Cliff was still panicking; his eyes set in a steel gaze across the room. Oh God, _he must be hallucinating…_ John realised.

“Cliff what’s wrong?” John asked in a comforting tone as he knelt to Cliff’s level. “There’s no one there, it’s just us, right?” But Cliff violently shook his head, clearly in disagreement. And his voice audibly shook as he spoke. “No John… No-no it’s right there it’s right the-” Suddenly, the frantic Captain stood bolt upright and aimed his non-existent rifle at the corner of the tent. "DON’T MOVE! STAY WHERE YOU ARE! THAT’S AN ORDER!” He yelled. “Captain, there’s nobody there! CLIFF IT’S JUST ME! Its John!” John pleaded. “DON’T YOU COME NEAR HIM! I’LL SHOOT!” Cliff continued to cry at the tent’s corner as he stood in front of his lover to protect him from the invisible force. He began to hyperventilate to the point where he was visibly staggering to try and keep his balance. John’s heart broke at the sight of the one he loved suffering so much and he knew that if he didn’t do something soon, the Captain’s screaming could wake the whole camp which would result in others checking to see what was wrong and the last thing Cliff would want is the embarrassment of everyone else witnessing this breakdown. Frankly, he was surprised the other’s hadn’t woken up yet.

So, John thought on his feet and calmly placed his warm hands over Cliff’s cold, clammy ones; still in the position of holding his assault rifle; he gently massaged the Captain’s hands with his thumbs. “Everything’s okay Cliff. It’s just me and you in here, remember?” John whispered. As he was talking, he gradually lowered Cliff’s shaking hands and turned Cliff towards him so they were face to face. Cliff’s hyperventilating had eased off at this point and his shaking had also become significantly less intense as he cautiously looked up into John’s eyes. “There you go… Do you remember me now?” He asked softly. Recognition slowly dawned on Cliff and became visible in his eyes when they widened and filled with tears. John let show a sad smile. “You remember me, Cliff. I love you.” Cliff seemingly broke at those words and flung himself into his boyfriend - clung to him like he would disappear if he wouldn’t while he sobbed hard into John’s chest. John shed a few tears of his own and stroked Cliff’s hair to try and soothe him.

“Was it real? It wasn’t real was it?” Sobbed Clifford. “No” Answered John. “It wasn’t real, there was no one there.” Cliff took a slow shaky breath. “They usually aren’t this bad… Most of the time I’ll wake up and I’ll think someone is standing over me, but then I’ll blink and they’ll have gone… I’ve never had any this vivid and frightening before…”

“Here, love. Come back to bed with me. You don’t have to talk about it anymore.” Said John as he guided Cliff onto the mattress and cuddled him close, still stroking his hair. “No no. I need to. To tell someone I trust. I can’t hide this any longer.” He sniffed. There was a pregnant pause as both men lay down under the warm blanket seeking comfort and love from each other.

Finally, Cliff spoke.

“I was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Night terrors and hallucinations are my main symptoms.” “Oh, Cliff I’m sorry…” John uttered. “It’s just something I have learned to live with.” The Captain replied. “I’ve already attended multiple CBT and therapy sessions and I have medication I take to try to help quell the visions. They obviously didn’t work as well this time…” He looked up with wide eyes at John. “I don’t blame you if you feel uncomfortable around me now. You may return to your tent if you wish.”

John could see how absolutely forlorn at the thought of being left alone Cliff felt. Did he think he would leave him over something like this? Well he certainly had to put a stop to those thoughts right away. He raised Cliff’s hands to his mouth and took his time pressing kisses to his knuckles and palms. Gazing up at the man he adored, he said “I love you so much, Cliff. I would never abandon over something you can’t help, especially something so serious. Besides, you’d benefit with having someone else around to help snap you out of those visions eh?” Cliff lightly laughed and responded with a soft, long kiss on John’s lips before resting his forehead against John’s own. “You’d really do that for me? Fuck, you really are a saint, aren’t you? What did I ever do to get so lucky?” “You just stayed as yourself, Captain.” John smiled.

There stayed in comfortable silence for a moment before they both burst into laughter, Cliff eventually laughing so hard that his stomach began to hurt. “Did you really just say that? That was the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard!” He snickered. “Well, I blame you for bringing it out in me!” John retorted. They continued to laugh for a few more minutes until they both eventually relapsed into silence once more.

Just as John felt he was slipping into unconsciousness; Cliff spoke up once more. “There is one thing that unnerved me the most about that hallucination…” “What would that be?” John asked, his interest peaked. Cliff was silent for a moment, thinking over what his next words would be. “Usually it’s just a human figure standing over me when I wake… But this time it was a distinctive male figure, he was moving around, taunting me almost. He kept raising a finger to his lips and when pointed to you I felt in my gut that he wanted to hurt you. Even stranger, he wasn’t just a figure; I could see clear as ever that he was wearing. He was covered with some sort of black, plastic, waterproof-looking cloak with gold plates on his gloved hands. But the feature I remembered the most was that golden skull mask he wore; only it wasn’t a full mask. It was just a jaw and nasal cavities. I swear I could feel him smirking at me under that thing. It was incredibly disturbing. I have never felt anything like it in my life before.”

If he was to be completely honest with himself even though he put on a brave face, John was a little taken aback. He figured that, if anything, Cliff would hallucinate an enemy soldier or maybe one of their squad. But a stranger… Someone – or something – that none of them had seen or heard of before? He knew that the human mind could make up some pretty weird stuff but for some reason, it sent chills down his otherwise fearless spine and he got an unsettling feeling that who or whatever that was nothing but trouble.

 _What am I thinking?_ John chided himself. _It was just a weird hallucination. That’s it. Stop overthinking it, John._

“Well, at least it’s over now.” Said John. “Yeah.” Said a sleepy Cliff and he turned to lie on his side to fully face his boyfriend. He subsequently tangled his fingers with John’s and gave him a kiss that was so full of love, thankfulness and compassion that he thought he might cry again.

 _Who’d have thought. Two tough guys like us crying so much in one day._ He smiled to himself. Cliff noticed and asked, “What are you smiling about?” “How much I love you.” John winked. Cliff groaned in exasperation. “Have you always been this damn cheesy or is this just for me?” “Only for you.” “Jesus Christ, what the hell have I gotten myself into?” He complained in a joking manner and snuggled closer to his partner.

Ultimately, they both finally lapsed into a sleepy silence. Each man smiling at the incredible bond they had forged that day.

“I adore you so much, love.” Murmured Cliff.

“I love you too, darling.” Whispered John.

They slept contentedly in each other’s arms until the light of dawn.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeey. I did it. It's fucking awful but I did it.  
> Feel free to point out any spelling or gramatical errors.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh wow, you made it huh? Well I'll commend you for that!  
> Constructive criticism is welcome if you feel like it.


End file.
